Tears of the Past
by Psycho Babble
Summary: Ever had to write an essay that was about something really significant in your life?
1. Default Chapter

My first TMNT fic, please be kind.  
  
Cyladriel is the name of the girl in the vat (yeah the dead one). Blue is Leonardo, Purple is Donnatello, Red is Raphael, Orange is Michelangelo and Brown Hair is splinter. Elizabeth, Liz, Lizzie is Beta-II after she takes a real 'human' name  
  
********  
  
I think the words for it are 'home schooled', to be thought at home, as opposed to being thought in a school with other kids my own age, sometimes I wish I could go to a school and then sometimes I'm grateful I don't have to go there, but then I don't know if I have anything in common with children my own age. I spent the first four years of my live in a lab, being experimented on? After that being adopted by a person who I am honoured to call 'Dad' and being raised by him and his three brothers, as well as their ninja master Splinter. I suppose when I'm not in the kitchen being thought by Unle Mikey that a cheese, pepperoni and olive pizza go really well with crumbled up Oreo's on top (yuck), then I'm in Uncle Donnie's room trying to pretend that I'm NOT falling asleep during the middle of one of his extremely interesting lectures on how and why x = whatever. I don't think that they have giant turtles in school, nor do these kids have a father, three uncles and a life sized rat that would do whatever it took to make sure that I wouldn't get hurt.  
  
At first when I was asked to write an essay on one of the most important things that happened thus far n my life, I couldn't think of one. As soon as I stopped worrying about what I was going to write then it came to me. I don't think there's anything more important than coming to life here, so I guess this is it.  
  
******************  
  
I could hear chains rattling, but the sound came from far away, this was followed by a grunt. Now was my chance to escape. I tipped my head to one side listening for any telltale sign that someone was close by. Hearing nothing, I pressed my wrists together and wriggled my hands free of the cuffs. After that untying my ankles and then removing the blindfold from my eyes was easy. I stepped off the slightly raised platform on which they had put me and ignoring the splashes and small pools of my own blood, walked towards the large vat of what looked like water. A small figure floated within, an oxygen mask over her mouth and nose and wires connected all over her body, it was hard to tell if she was alive or not. I stared up at the one in the vat, Isaid nothing and after a moment I turned to the door and after tapping in the number in the keypad next to it. Idiots, I thought. They knew I knew the code, so why didn't they change it. Still their idiocy was my good fortune. The door hissed and opened, I took a quick look for any of the elite who usually on guard here, the coast was clear and I stepped outside. I hurried down the corridor, listening carefully for anyone. An alarm sounded a number of times before being abruptly cut off. Two-foot soldiers came around the corner and spotted me. I took off in the direction of the elevator, as I neared it a weapon shoved its way between the doors and forced them open. I stopped so suddenly I fell over, almost immediately I was back on my feet. But now I had a problem, would I go back the way the foot were coming or try to get past these strange looking creatures. One brown haired and the other four were green, the short brown haired one looked back at me serenely, the others looked at me with varying amounts of suspicion. No, not again! My mind screamed.  
  
"Weird looking clone." The one with the red bandanna growled, moving towards me. I backed away from him. The one with the blue bandanna asked me something that I didn't quite catch. I reached for the knife I had found back in the lab. I knew that they would take me back to the lab, but I would not be going without a fight. Red bandanna made a grab for me and I slashed at him with the knife.  
  
"No, Raphael!" Blue snapped at him.  
  
"She don't act like a clone, the others all attack us and she runs away. What the hells wrong with her?" Raphael asked. Purple crouched in front of me, I moved away from him to. These guys weren't acting likes Shredders people would, but I wasn't going to take any chances. In the back of my mind I knew that if they wanted to they could grab me and haul me back there if they wanted, and nothing I did could stop them.  
  
"I don't think she is a clone. One thing all clones have in common is that they are all the same gender as the original host. Where do you come from, kid?" He asked gently.  
  
"Y'see?" Raphael said, when I didn't answer Purple.  
  
"She just stands there. Ya don't like to talk do ya, kid?" He asked. I stared unblinkingly at him.  
  
"No, my son. She cannot." Brown hair said.  
  
"Huh? Can't what?"  
  
"You cannot do something you have never attempted to do before, she cannot speak." Purple said. I froze, tipping my head to one side. Obviously they noticed this, or else they heard it to.  
  
"Punishment will be severe if you do not return to your place Beta-II." One of the foot soldiers said. I turned my head slowly to look at them. Yes, I knew my punishment would be severe. Wasn't it always? But already the green ones were in motion, and within moments the foot had been finished with.  
  
"Ok, what is Beta-II?" Raphael asked, sliding his Sais back into his belt.  
  
"I heard rumours of this, but I did not think anyone even Shredder would use children in such a way." Purple said. I wondered what he was talking about, surely if he worked for Shredder he knew about me.  
  
"And for those of use who don't speak your private language that would be...?" Orange asked. Purple nodded his head at me.  
  
"She is Beta-II. The foot were chasing after her, they did not know we were here. Rumour has it that Shredder is experimenting to make the perfect warrior, what he was doing I'm not quite sure. What I do know is that he required living people to experiment on." Purple replied. Of course I was living, did he think I was dead? Orange suddenly looked like he wished he hadn't asked. I looked at them oddly, as strange as it sounded I don't think that they worked for Shredder.  
  
"Well if she's from here she can show us where Shredder is." Red said. Blue didn't look so sure, but the brown haired one spoke first.  
  
"I think that is a very good idea, but I think there is something that she wants help with first." He said. How did he know that? I wondered.  
  
"Lead on, Beta." He said. I wrinkled my nose at being called 'Beta' and he must have noticed.  
  
"Or II if you prefer that." I nodded my agreement with that. I walked back towards the lab, Purple had now moved towards the rear and Blue was right behind me, those entering the lab didn't need to put the code into the keypad, the door slid open.  
  
"She could be leading us into a trap." Raphael said. Why would I be leading them into a trap? I didn't even know them. I thought. I walked right up to the vat.  
  
"Donny, looks like you were right." Blue said from beside me. Purple joined us, he was obviously Donatello. He started tapping away at the keyboard for the vat. Raphael and Orange were looking around at the lab with a mixture of interest and revulsion. I could see Donatello look towards Blue and shake his head, Blue sighed and his head slightly dropped. Raphael joined them.  
  
"So she is a clone." He said. Looking at my twin who was the one in the vat. Donatello shook his head again.  
  
"No, the DNA codes are similar, but not identical. I would say that they are sisters." Donatello replied. Michelangelo picked up a small innocous looking tool. I moved to take it away from him because I knew what it could do, but before I got close enough he let out a yelp as blue fire arced up his arm and he dropped it.  
  
"Ok, Mikey don't touch anything in this torture chamber." He muttered to himself. I turned back to Donatello, who was trying to get the vat open. I looked back at Donatello who had given up trying to figure out how the vat opened, he saw me looking.  
  
"I'm sorry, it's to late. She's been like this for days." He said. I had no idea what he meant, then it hit me. I shook my head stubbornly, not after getting so close to leaving this place. I turned back to the vat and stared into it, I put my hand against its smooth edge, hoping that by just doing that small thing she'd wake up and smile down at me, like she used to. 'One day you'll get out of here, but if I'm not with you on that day know that I am smiling with you.' A voice whispered. I looked behind me; half expecting that she was there. I stepped back from the vat and looked at Blue, I opened my mouth determined to get the words out.  
  
"Shredder...want?" I said. He looked confused for a moment, then nodded.  
  
"Yes, we want Shredder." He replied. I nodded, then looked at Donetello. How do I tell him what I need, he had a bag full of things and I knew he had rope with metal thing on the end. But how do I ask him for what I want? He seemed to know what I wanted though. He rifled through the bag and pulled out what I wanted and handed it to me. I slung the end over my shoulder and then darted to the wall, climbing upward toward the air vent above. There was a small niche above the vent and I dug my fingers into it, then swung back and kicked at the grate, two more kicks and it clanged open. I crawled inside and searched for something to hook the rope to but the only thing was a small piece of metal sticking out of the ceiling of the vent, if I put the rope on that it could easily slide off. I grabbed the piece of metal in one hand, after looping one end of the rope around it. I slipped the other end back through the vent and let it drop to the floor. I felt a slight tug on it as one of them grabbed hold of it.  
  
"You first, Raph." I heard Blue say. There was a harder tug and I grunted he weighed a lot more than he looked. I tightened my fingers around the rope, every time he moved the rope jerked slightly. I peered out the vent to see how far up he was, almost here. The rope slipped once then started to slide all the way out of my hand. I shrieked as it burned along my flesh, going through skin and muscle and then hitting my hand bones. I squeezed as hard as I could and finally the rope stopped slipping.  
  
"You okay? What happened?" Blues voice called up. Raphael started climbing again, the rope didn't slip anymore, finally he joined me in the vent and I moved back to make room for him. It was only then he noticed that I was the one who had been holding the climbing rope.  
  
"Shit, give me your hand." He said. Letting go of the rope I showed him my hand, blood dripped from around the ruined flesh and muscle, and he could see the silver metal that had been put in place of my own bones. He muttered a few curses under his breath. Then he leaned back out the vent.  
  
"Send Donnie up next,Leo." He yelled. I moved to pick up the rope again, put he grabbed it first.  
  
"My turn." Was all he said. My hand hurt enough that I was grateful for him taking over, but did he think I couldn't do it? Donatello crawled into the small space and Raphael moved out of his way.  
  
"Look at her hand, she was holding the rope when it slipped." He said. Donatello took a quick look then wrapped it in a binding, he said nothing about my metal bones beneath. As soon as the others had joined us, I turned around and started crawling up a slight slope. After a lot of crawling and and wriggling we got to our destination, I tried pulling the grate but to no avail. Leonardo moved past me, and with one swift punch the grate popped put, he checked first before jumping down to the floor, then reaching back for me, the room was dark. Then he let me take the lead again, I was almost to the door when I stopped. Something wasn't right, I felt like I was being watched but I couldn't actually see them.  
  
"You led them right to us, II. I couldn't have done it better myself." A voice spoke from the shadows.  
  
"I knew she'd betray us." I heard Raphaels voice. A gas started filling the rom. He would not take me again, I knew what he would do to me, and I held my breath and leaped at the wall climbing to the air vent.  
  
"Get after her!" I heard Shredder growl. I spared a single look back over my shoulder, I hoped that I could loose them in here. I came to a sharp decline in the vent and tumbled down into its shadowy depths.  
  
I woke up some time later, when I put a hand to my forehead it came away wet with my blood, but seeing my own blood was nothing new. I sat up slowly trying to get my bearings, after the fall down here I had no idea where I was. I remember crawling for what seemed like forever, trying to get out of here. I don't know what made me turn around and go back, I could say it was Brown Hairs calmness, the way the way Leo looked out for the others, Orange cracked jokes, or if it was the way Donnatello had bandaged my hand. But if I was to be honest I think I went back because of Raphael, all he had done since I had first met him was believe that I would betray them, and I guess some part of me wanted to prove that I wouldn't do that. Besides I knew what Shredder was capable of doing to them, the pain he could inflict, enough pain that you would wish yourself dead. I knew where he was keeping them, but if I went back there would I ever leave that room again? No worrying about what may never happen, that's what Cyladriel would have said. I crawled back through the dark vents, part of me hoping that I would never get there and part of me hoping that I would get there in time to do...what exactly I don't know, what could one child have done to Shredder on their own?  
  
After nearly half an hour of crawling I got there, I could hear Shredder.  
  
"To betray you she would have had to know that she was going to let me capture you and she did not. You see I let her escape, I let her run to you. You foolish, trusting turtles, that will be the end of you." He laughed then, I can still hear his laugh in my head sometimes, it is not a sound that you would want to hear, because when you do you know he means business.  
  
"You really don't know what she's done, do you? I don't know whether I'd call it stupid or brave. You have no idea how afraid of me she really is." He laughed again.  
  
"I suppose she has reason. I saw her hand was bandaged, you must have seen her bones, unfortuently her shoulder, arm and hand is metal. I haven't yet had the chance to work on the rest of her yet. It's amazing how much pain caused her. First I had to remove the real bones, then replace them with metal. Her body reaction had to be monitored throughout, I could not allow her to sleep through it, nor could we use any anaesthetic, that would have interfered to much." He sighed, almost as if he regretted having done that to me.  
  
"Her screams of pain were pure delight, it meant that I was finally on the right track after so long. Of course that is only part of what I did to her. There is so much more I could tell you, but time as always is not on my side. Tonight you will understand why she ran from this lab, and even more you will understand what she has come to understand, that there is only one constant in life; pain. And now it is time for me to leave you, I shall see you later this evening." I heard the door hissing open and the lights went out, then he walked out of the lab. Still I stayed in he vents not letting my presence known, although I knew I would have to free them soon. These vents had never had grates on them, I never understood why, now though it was somewhat of a blessing. I didn't know if Shredder had left guards in the room, but if he had then they would have been certain to hear the grate opening. I slipped silently out of the vent and landed on the floor.  
  
"Who's there?" Leo's voice cut through the dark, almost right next to me. I reached out a hand and touched him on the arm, he stilled instantly. I untied his hands and then stepped back, he in turn moved to the others. They were all staring at me now, except for Raphael, he was looking at anything but me. There was an angry look in his eyes, and his mouth was set in a thin line. I wondered why he still hated me, after all I had come back to help them get out of here and he was still angry at me. At the time I didn't realise that it wasn't me he was angry with, but that, if given the chance he would probably have ripped Shredders head off with his bare hands. Maybe that was the moment he adopted me, I don't know. They each grabbed their weapons and headed out the door and after Shredder. I followed close behind, not wanting to be left in the hall of nightmares. We caught up to him as he still stood at the elevator, he turned as soon as we came around the corner.  
  
"It seems she is stupid after all, that must be why you came back." He said. No, I thought, I came back because for the first time that I can remember I have found people who have not treated me as so much garbage.  
  
"Not this time Oroko Saki, the time has come for you to answer for your sins." Brown Hair said. The two moved closer together almost as if they were about to start dancing. The others moved to intercept the elite and a vicious battle began. I think I must have blinked because the fight was suddenly over, and Splinter and the turtles stood triumphant. They were not without wounds however, but Shredder had been killed and he could cause no more pain to anyone. I turned to go.  
  
"Where are you going?" Leonardos voice stopped me. I turned back to him, I shrugged I could not answer his question, even if I had been able to speak properly.  
  
"Home, with us." Raphael told him. I looked at him and I didn't know whether I should feel grateful or not, because I didn't know what this 'home' was.  
  
**********  
  
"Hey you going to ever come on outta that room, Lizzie? Mikey's got the dinner done, it's pizza." A voice yelled from the living room. I took one last glance over the essay and then closed the folder.  
  
"Coming, dad." I called back, standing up.  
  
"I think Uncle Mikey is trying to poison me, dad." I muttered under my breath as I stepped out of my room. Into the living room, where my family waited for me to join them. 


	2. Part 2

... we get to think of life as an inexhaustible well. Yet everything happens only a certain number of times, and a very small number, really. How many more times will you remember a certain afternoon of your childhood, some afternoon that's so deeply a part of your being that you can't even conceive of your life without it? Perhaps four or five times more. perhaps not even that. How many more times will you watch the full moon rise? Perhaps twenty. And yet it all seems limitless.  
  
Paul Bowles.  
  
************  
  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
  
Feeling so faithless, lost under the surface  
  
I don't know what you're expecting of me  
  
Put under the pressure, of walking in your shoes  
  
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
  
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
  
************  
  
I hate mornings, especially this one. Today I have to give Uncle Donnie my essay, about when I came to live here. But it's also part of my past, a past I'd rather forget. He had given me a week to complete it, I had finished it in three days. Since it was done I had been acting a little differently. You see my uncles and Splinter had tried to get me to talk about what happened and I did, but it was not something that I really wanted to keep alive. After a while I had told them I didn't remember much of what happened back then and on the whole they seemed to believe that. But as much as I try to forget, as much as I would like to forget, I don't think I ever will and that scares the shit out of me. Uncle Donnie said that if I handed it in on time that I could have the rest of the afternoon off. I didn't want the afternoon off, I wanted to work, that way I wouldn't be thinking so much about it.  
  
************  
  
I've become so numb  
  
I can't feel you there  
  
I've become so tired, so much more aware  
  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do  
  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
  
************  
  
I had already given it to him and now I sat in the kitchen trying to tune out Uncle Mikeys voice as he made some sandwiches for lunch. He set a plate down in front of me and then got his own, I could see him looking at me every so often, but he said nothing. After a while we were joined by dad and Uncle Leo, they had been in the dojo practicing and doing katas.  
  
"Hey, Mikey you didn't make food for us." Dad said. Mikey glared at him in mock anger.  
  
"You could always make your own, Raph. You're not helpless." He said. I pushed my plate across the table towards them.  
  
"You can have mine I'm not very hungy." I said quietly. I could see the look dad cast my way.  
  
"No, that's ok. I'll make some more." Uncle Mikey said. I shrugged my shoulders.  
  
"Is something wrong, Elizabeth?" Uncle Leo asked. He nearly always called me by my full name, I hated that.  
  
"No." I answered shortly.  
  
"Are you sure, you don't look great." He continued. I don't know what happened then, I just lost it, my chair crashed backwards as I stood up and slammed my fist on the table, which cracked under the force. I wanted to say something then, I'm not sure what, how could I make them understand how I was feeling? What was really wrong inside. No one could understand, especially when I wasn't even sure I did. Instead I stormed out of the kitchen, behind me there was silence. I walked straight to the door.  
  
"Lizzie...where are you going?" Dad had come out after me. I didn't even look back at him.  
  
"Out." Was all I say.  
  
I sloshed through the sewers and out through a manhole cover. I don't know where I'm going, or why I'm going there. Eventually I find myself outside the building that was once Shredders. What it is now I don't know, I don't think I want to. Not long after I came to live with the Turtles and Splinter Donatello did some tests on me, for illnesses and stuff I guess. What he found out though was something he didn't expect; I was Shredders daughter, as had been my older sister Cyladriel. I remember how afte he found out Uncle Leo hadn't been to sure whether I could be trusted, at the time I didn't understand why, but I hated him for it. Eventually Dad had told him that if Uncle Leo wouldn't accept me then he would find somewhere else for us, Uncle Leo finally decided that I would not grow up to take over what remained of Shredders clan. But every time I had a disagreement with Uncle Leo I always felt like that was hanging over my head, my past coming back to haunt me in more ways than one. I stared up at the building for a moment before stepping inside the doors. Inside was dark and damp, like no one had been here in a long time, maybe they hadnt I don't know.  
  
************  
  
Can't you see that you're smothering me?  
  
Holding too tightly, afraid to lose control  
  
'Cause everything that you thought I would be  
  
Has fallen apart, right in front of you  
  
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
  
Every step that I take is another mistake to you  
  
(Caught in the undertow, just caught in the undertow)  
  
An' every second I waste is more than I can take  
  
************  
  
A place I wanted to forget, to pretend had never existed. I knew that I never would, like a wound that doesn't bother you, but it won't heal, you know it's there but there's nothing you can do about it. I walked slowly up the stairs, the elevator was broken. Apparantly no one had taken over this building since Shredder had left. I didn't want to be here, and yet I knew that I had to do this. Strange how live goes sometimes isn't it? My life probably started out here, and now it was going to end here. I entered the lab silently, it was still the same as I remembered it. So innocent looking, and yet I knew what they had done to people here. Remember the lab in that old Frankinstein movie? This one was nothing like that, it was clean and usually well lit, with state of the art instruments. Oh you don't know that part do you? You see after Shredder had my arms bone replaced with metal he decided that he was going to see if he could do the same to the rest of my bones. I stood now next to the very same table that I had been strapped to then. And like he usually did he had not given me anything to dull the pain of them cutting me open, something about not wanting to ruin the surprise. I could remember the look on my uncles and on Dads faces when I had told them that, how was I to know that sort of stuff wasn't normal? It happened on a regular basis, if I wasn't being sliced open, then I was being burned, or beaten...or something much worse. Once I had taken some food that someone had left behind, Shredder had told me that he would make sure that I never did it again, he had broken my hands and shattered the bones of my fingers. I can't make a fist, or hold some things properly. I remember after coming to live with my family that I had always been dropping stuff, including Splinters favourite teapot. Uncle Leo had told me not to be so clumsy, I had told him that if he had his hands smashed he wouldn't be able to hold stuff either, and like so many other things back then I didn't understand the look he had given. But I did notice that after that he had gone to great lengths to not say anything that might remind me of my past. Apparanly I wasn't the only one who wanted me to forget everything. In a fit of anger I lashed out one of the trolleys that held instruments on it, and it clattered to the floor scattering its contents. I slammed my fists into the tables and kicked the walls.  
  
"I can't ever get away from you can I? You're dead and you can still remind me of just what people are capable of doing. I hate you! I hate you!" I screamed in a blind rage. Although whether it was Shredder I hated or myself I'm not sure.  
  
************  
  
I've become so numb  
  
I can't feel you there  
  
I've become so tired, so much more aware  
  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do  
  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
  
************  
  
Then I spotted one of the fallen scalpels and snatched it up. The question now was, would I cut my throat or my wrists. It was that simple or that difficult, depending on how you look at it. I sat on the floor holding the scalpal. Then I lifted my hand and noticed the scars that lanced down my arm and hand. I heard a noise of to my left, but didn't look up as I pressed the scalpal to my wrist.  
  
"No!" I heard Dads voice yell. And one of his sai flew through the air to knock the scalpal from my hand, but not before I had managed to slash my wrist, blood gushed over my hand and stained the floor a dark red, I wanted to just lie down on the floor and wait for death to take me. Then my father was next to me, my uncles not far behind him. He dropped to the floor beside me and pulled my head into his lap, his other hand reaching out to grab my bleeding wrist.  
  
"Donnie! Shit! What have you done, Lizzie?! Donnie!" He cried desperately. Uncle Donnie however had already seen what was going on and had his ever present bag open and bandages in his hand. He quickly wrapped it around my wrist.  
  
"No, let me die. I don't want to do this anymore." I moaned.  
  
"Christ why'd you do that, Lizzie?" Dad asked. I didn't want to look at him, but eventaully I had to, there was a sadness in his eyes.  
  
"Don't want to live anymore. Not in his shadow."  
  
"What are you talking about?"  
  
"Growing up to do what he wants me to be, I don't want to do that. Ask Uncle Leo he knows. I'm going to become his succesor one day, isn't what they say about people's children; when they come of age, they take over the family business. Don't want to be the one who kills and hurts other people for fun." I said, starting to cry.  
  
"You should have left me here to die. Who needs saving to become something they hate later on?" Dad glanced at Uncle Leo then, then back down at me.  
  
************  
  
And I know  
  
I may end up failing too  
  
But I know  
  
You were just like me  
  
With someone disappointed in you  
  
************  
  
"You don't understand. You saved us. You saved me, I was so anger back then, anger at everyone and everything. I didn't want anyone to see just how afraid and insecure I was feeling inside, because if they did they wouldn't want to know me anymore. You saved me from myself. I know it sounds selfish, but if you do this then I don't know if I can go on. Live is hard, but I want you to know that you can always talk to me about whatevers bothering you. I'll never turn you away or tell you I don't have time to listen." I heard murmurs of agreement from the other.  
  
"Not everyone follows in the footsteps of their genetic parents. Some of them follow the path better path." He said. I looked up at again, knowing that he meant what he said. Slowly I nodded, he smiled down at me.  
  
"How about we go home?" He asked. He picked me up in his arms, like he used to when I was small and I felt save and protected and loved. Something which I had forgotten about, within moments I fell asleep.  
  
************  
  
I've become so numb  
  
I can't feel you there  
  
I've become so tired, so much more aware  
  
I'm becoming this, all I want to do  
  
Is be more like me and be less like you  
  
I've  
  
Become so numb  
  
I can't feel you there  
  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
  
I've become so numb  
  
I can't feel you there  
  
I'm tired of being what you want me to be  
  
************ 


End file.
